Cut it Out!

How many times have you heard that before? Growing up with two older brothers, I know my mother must have said those words countless times to us kids. I hear myself using those same words with my daughter, and I am going to use them here as well.

Cut it out once and for all. What am I referring to? The negativity. Your tongue is a powerful sword in your life and you must use its power wisely. From this point forward stop yourself whenever you are about to say anything that is negative, or anything that confesses less than victory for you. Some common thoughts and statements you may hear from single parents that you must consciously decide to never utter or think again . . .

"I've been through so much."
"You just wouldn't understand."
"My life is so hard."
"I just don't know what I'm going to do."
"I don't get any help."
"I'm just a single mom. I can't do that."
"I can't get a better job, because I have no experience (or schooling). All I know how to do is raise my children and keep house. Nobody would hire me."

It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking these things, and saying these things, but that is exactly what it is . . . a trap! You think these things, you say these things, and then you believe these things, and become these things. Assuming you do not want to be victim to such a trap and such a limited life, I am telling you now that the first thing you must do is CUT IT OUT. When you find yourself around others who think or talk negativity into you or about themselves, put a stop to it immediately. Your victory is YOUR choice. The first step in that choice is to remove the negative and limiting thoughts and statements from your mouth and from your ears. Do not allow doubt to enter your mind or to come from your speech. Doubt is nothing more than a dark cloud that will suppress you, oppress you, and depress you. What good are you as a parent if this is the person you allow yourself to be? What are you teaching your children when they hear you make doubting, negative, or limited statements?

So, right now, from this point forward, CUT IT OUT. Just like cancer, the doubt and negativity will spread quickly and take over if you do not cut it out, and cut all of it out. Unlike cancer, no matter how badly the doubt and negativity has spread, you can cut every last bit of it out quickly and painlessly. Make a decision today to cut it out!

You Are a Super Hero

Have you ever noticed your super powers? You may not have. This is because you have come to take them for granted. You think you are ordinary or possibly less than ordinary. Your children don't see you as ordinary though.

One of my favorite things to do is to show up at my daughter's school and surprise her for lunch. Thirty minutes in her daily social environment is a chance to peer into her world that I'm not regularly a part of. I sit back and become a "fly on the wall" at her lunch table, as she carries on with her friends as she would normally. It is these moments that I see my super powers that I would otherwise take for granted.

I am Super Mom as far as she is concerned and she is so proud of me that she brags about me to anyone who will listen. My mom can do this. My mom made this. My mom does that all the time, etc., etc. I have heard her do it on countless occasions, so much so, that I wonder if her friends get tired of her bragging :) However, every time I witness this I am amazed and reminded that in her world I am her super hero. With that revelation I realize I have no choice but to succeed at being the best parent and person I can be. If her personal super hero fails her, what is left for her to believe in, place her hope in, and place her trust in? My daughter believes in God, and in Jesus, and in salvation, but here, on earth, tangibly, I am (in a way) her deity. Think of it in those terms and you may better understand the cost that comes with accepting defeat as a single parent. If the God you placed your faith in turned out to be a failure/phony, how would that translate into who you are or what you believe in? Would you believe anything anymore? The same applies here. As a parent, you are a super hero or a God figure in many ways to your children. You cannot accept defeat. You cannot fail.

On those days when I may not see, feel, or recognize my super powers, I put myself in the environment of my daughter so I can be quickly reminded of how she sees me. Her faith in me renews my "super powers" and gives me the strength to press forward and to not lie down and accept defeat.

Understanding Why

Do not waste your time trying to understand why you are a single mom. Don't ask "why me?" You will never get an answer, and if you get an answer, it will not be an answer that satisfies you. So, there is no reason to attempt to understand why you received the "single mom card." Do not dwell there. Get over it. Move on.

More importantly, you need to focus on why you MUST overcome the challenges that come with being a single parent. Once you have a focus on WHY you need to prevail, it will give you the proper motivation for applying renewed determination to living your best life regardless of being diagnosed a single mom.

You must choose to be victorious in your life as a single parent for yourself first. Whatever we do for the benefit of our children, we must do for us first. This may sound backwards or selfish, but it is true. If we do not take care of ourselves first, how well will we be equipped to take care of our children? We need to strengthen ourselves in order to have strength to offer them. Get your affairs in order. Get your emotions in order. Get your life in order. Do all of these things for YOU first, so that you will be in a position to offer your children the best of you. This does not mean to neglect your children or to stop parenting them as you have. It simply means that the first motivation to overcome your challenges should be YOUR well being. Do it because YOU want it/need it, not because your children need it. Your children do need it, but like the addict, until you choose to do it for YOU, your attempts will be futile.

Our children watch us, and learn from us. Do you want strong, determined, emotionally balanced, successful children who are not limited or hindered by life's little hiccups? Children learn their skills and characteristics from those who they are influenced by. As parents, we hope to be the biggest influence in the lives of our children. Their success largely depends on our success. This is why we must perservere and make a difference for our lives regardless of the "single mom" label.

We have two choices when faced with a problem or challenge, including the challenge of being a single mom. . . we can rise above it, or lie down beneath it. It truly is a choice. Choosing to rise above the challenge is the first step in the right direction. Making the choice to rise above our challenge teaches our children to do the same when they are faced with challenges throughout life. It teaches them to live victoriously and to not settle for less than they want or deserve.

Remember this . . .

1. Choose to rise above. It is a choice, and it is YOUR choice.
2. Do it for YOU first, knowing that it will benefit your children as well.
3. Make that choice NOW. Don't live another day in defeat.

I was diagnosed in August 2003. . . just over three years ago. Diagnosed with what you ask? I was diagnosed with the disease that plagues too many women in our country; a disease which is looked upon with great sympathy and charity by those without the syndrome. I was diagnosed a Single Mom. Oh the horror, I thought! I hated the words "Single Mom." I wanted nothing to do with that label. I knew with that label came the perception that I was incapable of so much. Our American culture teaches us to feel sorry for the single mom. She's a charity case. She's forced into situational poverty. She's run down, worn out, and emotionally vulnerable. I cringed to hear myself think the words "single mom." I refuse to be a charity case. I did not want to fall victim to the definition society applies to the single mom, so I avoided the words and the stereotype as much as possible. I believe the single mom can be victorious. She does not have to be what we have all been taught to think of her. She can be so much more, and it is up to her to make the decision to overcome the disease.

It has been a passion of mine to write a book on this very subject, but until I find the time to commit to that project, I will use this blog as my outlet for teaching, encouraging, and uplifting others who have been diagnosed.

There are different causes for this disease. My diagnosis came as the result of a divorce. Others are diagnosed due to the death of a partner, or the decision to have their baby without the commitment of marriage, and still others are diagnosed due to the misfortune of a nonconsentual relationship. Whatever the cause of the disease, the fact remains the same . . . you are parenting your child(ren) on your own or with the small assistance of a part-time participating father figure. The initial symptoms of the disease which will be noticeable immediatly are strained finances, loss of freedoms you were previously accustomed to, fatigue, frustration, possible feelings of defeat, lonliness, abandonment, and others.

More than likely your friends, family, co-workers, etc. have affirmed these feelings and syptoms for you. They may not have done it intentionally, but the affirmation comes in the long faces, the statements that all pretty much say "We're feeling sorry for you. We know this is going to be so tough for you." This is what we are taught to do for single moms. . . feel sorry for them, treat them as charity cases, expect very litte from them.

My mission is to change all of that! I think it starts with the single moms. If we can change our thinking, then gradually, our culture will change theirs too. Living as a single mom is tough work. I am not denying that, but our job is not impossible, nor is it without its rewards.

I am here to tell you that as a single mom you do not have to settle for a life of charity. You can be an active, and valuable contributor to society. You can be successful in a career and be successful as a parent. You can be financially independent. You can wake up each morning and go to bed each night feeling accomplished, and not defeated.

I hope you will join me on a journey to discover how we can live with the diagnosis we have been given, while overcoming the disease we have been labeled with.